Controlling Our Emotions, Saving Our Relationships & Being Impeccable with Our Words

Proverbs 16:24 “Gracious words are a honeycomb,
sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.”

When Anngela, JonDee, Lori, Suzy, and I were in Kansas City for the MOPS International Conference, we heard Lysa TerKeuerst’s talk about different types of communication barriers and how to work through them.  Our “code” to each other became “PAUSE.”  That doesn’t necessarily mean that we are all exploders who blame others who need to add pause before we react (although that is the case for some of use in some relationships); it is simply a reminder to us to think about our reactions before we respond. We could just as easily, I suppose, quote Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”  But we’ve simply taken to saying, “PAUSE.”  I, like Lysa, can be each of the 4 types of responders, depending on the relationship and the situation, so “PAUSE” is a good reminder to me.  And, I, like Lysa, want to improve my responses and my relationships. 

Just as God tends to do, when you’re ready to work on something, He gives you plenty of opportunities to do so.  I decided to take Lysa’s “Unglued Challenge”—a 5-day challenge in which she asks you to focus on better responses to people / events / situations that might normally frustrate you or even cause you to lose control.  Well, during my 5-day challenge, I thought my biggest struggle would be the recent frustration I had been experiencing with Elliot and math (where I tend to explode—and blame him for not keeping up and then shame myself later, for exploding and for not making him keep up—so, both kinds of exploder).  God, however, decided to give me multiple chances to follow Lysa’s plans in my life.  There was a major work situation with my boss, more than one problem at church, and a nasty email from a friend all to give me a chance to practice how I would either add a pause, add perspective, let go of pretending, or let go of proving.  In each situation, before I replied, I was blessed to be able to have some quiet time with God, which gave me time and perspective before I responded. I responded honestly and fairly, from a God-place; and, in most of my situations, the responses were well-received, I was understood, and the relationships were well-maintained.  In one case, however, my response was misunderstood-- even after trying to explain myself multiple times. But after consulting with several spiritual mentors and even Lysa TerKeurst herself, sometimes, if you’re misunderstood by the same person over and over, it could be the receiver’s issues, not yours.  We are all, after all, only human beings.  What I learned from Lysa’s challenge and my time in prayer is that pausing helps.  A lot. 

And kindness counts.  Kindness Counts. That was the title of this week’s “The Fridge Door”—the MOPS International email that comes to our inbox.  Two articles in the e-zine were about kindness.  One of the articles was written by Mikkee Hall, a MOPS Membership Strategist.  In her article about bullying, she says, “In my own little circle I am starting a revolution of kindness.  To see another person with their weaknesses and foibles and not exploit them, but appreciate them.  When the chance to gossip or say an unkind word comes along, I will swallow the words instead of putting them out there.  You are invited into the circle. Let’s change the world – one kind act at a time.” It brought to mind Proverbs 15:4 which reads, “⁴ The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” Another one of the articles was written by Liz Sagaser, a mom of two, and she wrote:  “Kindness is an attribute I want to instill in my children, and no matter what I tell them to say or do amongst their family, friends and schoolmates, how I model this behavior is what really counts.” 

Lysa’s challenge and these articles got me to thinking about the people I know, the people with whom I surround myself and the people who are role models for my children (besides myself).  I have one friend, in particular, who leaves me amazed every time I spend time with this person.  This person never speaks negatively about anything or anyone.  Ever.  Not even when I start--this person doesn’t pick up where I’ve left off with a “vent” or with any negativity, this person either changes the subject, turns my negative comments into positive comments, or ignores me.  I’m in awe.  And I’m inspired.  This person lives truly by James 4:11-12: “¹¹ Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister^[a]or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. ¹² There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?” James also puts our religion to the test in James 1:26 when he says, “²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.”

Even the ancient Toltecs believe strongly that if you don’t use your word for truth and love then you are being dishonorable.  Some of you know that have I attended several Native American Purification Ceremonies (more commonly known as a “sweat”).  At my most recent sweat, the shaman introduced me to The Four Agreements, a book written by Don Miguel Ruiz, based on ancient Toltec Wisdom.  In his book he presents four agreements—agreements one must make with him/herself to reach a deeper sense of happiness and love.  I listened to the whole book on tape the night of that sweat, and was deeply moved.  I am committing, today, to continue to make significant progress in keeping these agreements.  And, I’ll start with the first, which is:  Be impeccable with your word.  What does it mean to be impeccable with your word?  Speak with integrity.  Say only what you mean.  Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.  Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.  I Peter 3:10-11 “For those who desire life & desire to see good days, then let them keep their tongues from evil & their lips from speaking deceit; turn from evil & do good; seek & pursue peace.”

Here are a couple of nuggets for thought as, perhaps, you try to be more impeccable with your word:

1.       Realize the power of your word.  Your word is the power that you have to create; it is a gift that comes directly from God.

2.      Create a beautiful dream.  Your word can create the most beautiful dream, or your word can destroy everything around you.  Impeccability of the word only creates beauty, love, and Heaven on Earth.

I have a challenge for you.  Be like my friend.  If you hear gossip, don’t participate.  Better yet, leave the conversation.  Even better, turn the negative comments into positive comments.  Better still, tell your friends you’re not going to participate in the gossip, and you’d like for them to stop as well.  Speak only positive words—to yourself, about yourself, about others, and about the world around you.  Even if you have to send a negative message, do it with a positive spin.  I encourage the teachers with whom I work to speak to their students only with positive words:  instead of “Don’t run,” “Please walk,” instead of “Don’t talk while I’m talking,” “I have the floor right now, and in a moment, I will let you share your comments.”  It makes a world of difference.  Give it a try.  Speak with integrity.  Seek to know the truth.  Express your love.  Pause before you respond.  Then be impeccable with your word. 

Prayer:  Heavenly Father, we know that your desire is for us to speak and be love.  Help us to be impeccable with our word—not to tear down but rather to build up.  We know that you tell us in Proverbs 18:21 that words kill or they give life; that they’re either poison or fruit; and that we must choose. Let us choose in such a way that we are an example to others so that they might be in awe and inspired by our commitment to speaking with integrity.  When others say something or do something to us that causes us to want to react in a negative manner, Lord, help us to pause.  Help us to wait a moment before we react so we can react in a calm, peaceful, loving manner with the proper perspective and without a need to pretend or prove.  As followers of Christ, we ask for your help in seeking and pursuing peace.  In His name we pray, Amen.